[Disclaimer: I partnered with Growing Generations to write this post. As always, all options are 100% my own. Thanks for your support!]
Long-time readers know that fertility treatment education and infertility support are very important to me. My husband Jake and I started trying to grow our family in late 2010. Our fertility journey has included testing for both of us, surgery for Jake to correct bilateral varicocele, ten rounds of Clomid for me, and three IUIs with Letrozole, the last of which was in late 2015. After failing the final IUI, we decided to start pursuing adoption. I share my latest update about adoption and links to my other adoption posts here.
I am way overdue to write an update about our current state with the adoption process. I gave an update back in November about the home study and haven’t written anything else since. For those who have asked, thank you. For those of you who keep praying for us, thank you even more.
Many of you know that for the past couple months, my husband Jake and I have been going through the home study process for domestic infant option. We’ve been pretty open about it with family and friends as well as anyone else who happens to inquire about our current children status or lack thereof. (And no, “we’re currently pursuing adoption and hope to have our home study completed by the end of the year” is never the answer anyone expects so that is sort of fun.)
We’ve been pretty open about it because it’s a huge part of our lives and because we need all the support and prayers we can get. I haven’t discussed it on social media at all (aside from a few posts in closed groups) because I don’t want a flood of generic “congrats” messages and unsolicited opinions, and I don’t want to encourage people to tell me more adoption stories. I know it sounds awful, but when you tell people you’re pursuing adoption, they promptly say, “Oh, that’s so exciting, my cousin / friend’s neighbor / sister’s husband’s aunt adopted a kid.” I know people mean well, but I can only handle so many of these stories.
On the deeper side, I haven’t written about it until now because my emotions are all over the place. It felt so good to close the door on 2015 and my failed IUI treatments and leave the world of fertility treatments behind. It’s been a refreshing change of pace to join an adoption community and meet other people right in southeast WI who have chosen the same path. But we also spent the majority of 2016 just sitting on a waiting list to start the home study process. We had no idea how long we would be waiting. Aside from looking into other agencies (and ultimately deciding we were still best off going with the agency we’d already chosen), there was literally nothing else we could do. We spent large portions of our trying-to-conceive years doing nothing, and it felt terrible to be back in that place.
We were #4 on the waiting list and hadn’t seen any movement on the list all year so it was a complete surprise when we did find out we’d be able to start the home study process. We were in Montana when I got the email, and it was nice to celebrate with friends. We got the ball rolling pretty quickly when we got back and have been “in progress” ever since. I hesitate to share too much about the specifics (i.e. paperwork, safety requirements for the home) because it varies from one state to the next and for different types of adoption (i.e. domestic vs. international). Needless to say, there’s a lot.
The emotional component comes into play because we’re spending a lot of time and money on the home study, and there’s no guarantee we’ll be able to adopt a baby. Even if we do adopt, it could still be years before we’re matched with birth parents. A lot of days, it feels good to be doing something, even when it’s expensive, time-consuming, tedious, and/or emotionally difficult. Some days it feels overwhelming and downright ridiculous.
My single lowest moment during the home study process thus far came during the day I found out that both Jake and I failed fingerprinting (they couldn’t read the prints). Jake was in the midst of a very stressful week at work, and I knew the last thing he’d want to find out is that he’d have to take more time off to get re-fingerprinted. I’d already spent hours that day researching baby gear and was feeling ridiculous about my lack of knowledge and for spending so much time researching gear not knowing if we’ll ever be able to adopt a baby. It was just one of those “WTF am I doing all this for?” moments. Thankfully, I have people who get it and never judge me for sending long, rambling texts out of the blue. You know who you are. Thank you. Taking a break from work and home responsibilities for a couple hours and watching some Seinfeld episodes helps, too.
Amidst paperwork, doctors’ appointments, fingerprinting, training sessions, home visits, and trips to Home Depot for safety gear, we’ve been putting together a few things for the kid’s room. Including photos of a furnished or at least partially furnished baby’s room in a profile book is often beneficial, so we decided to go for it. Yes, it’s really difficult, and I completely understand why people don’t do it. But it’s also really difficult having a room sit empty. We’ve been doing that for a year just in this house and several years before that in our previous residence. So the progress feels good while also surreal, difficult, and at least half a dozen other emotions. I had already been working on a few projects in the room, including painting, cleaning the built-in shelves, and washing and re-hanging the curtains (which came with the house). Since then, we’ve purchased some furniture and are working on a few other decor items.
Thanks to the generosity of a friend and a few neighbors and a Facebook buy/sell group find, we’ve spent less than $300 and have a crib with a mattress, a bassinet with a mattress, most of the bedding for both the crib and bassinet, a dresser, a baby bouncy seat, a baby bath, and a baby changing table pad with a cover. A neighbor also gifted the large giraffe. I have no problem spending on baby items, especially items that will need to be purchased new, like car seats. But I’m hesitant to buy too much more at this point because:
We have enough items to make it look like a kid’s room for the profile book.
I’ve had dozens and dozens of friends and acquaintances have babies before me and am hoping to take advantage of lots (more) hand me down items.
I don’t want to make the majority of the bigger, expensive purchases or stock up on tons of smaller items (i.e. diapers, onesies) before we’re matched.
Everything else you see in the room – the quilt, books, stuffed animals, and framed photos – are items we already had. I’ve had them elsewhere in the house, and it made sense to move them up to the kid room before we make our profile book.
Not surprisingly, Hobbes loves the new baby furniture and hops in the bassinet and/or crib whenever I’m in the room. I think he’s trying to tell me I don’t need a baby because I have him and he’s so cute.
Obviously, we have no idea if we’ll be adopting a boy or a girl so we’re keeping the room gender neutral. I’ve always liked the idea of having a simple, colorful kid’s room and then personalizing it more as the kid grows older and can have a say in the decor choices. The giraffe inspired a bit of an animal theme, but again, it will be pretty simple with a small selection of animal items without being overly matching or coordinated.
I do have a few projects I’ll be working on over the next month. The first is painting the dresser. I’m okay with the current paint colors, but the main frame needs a new coat of paint and the drawers need new hardware, so I’m going to paint the frame and drawers. It’s not a surprise that I love color and as such, like the different colored drawers. But I know not everyone loves this level of color. As such, I thought about toning it down, but Jake likes the different colors so most likely I’ll stick with that idea. I’ve portrayed it here in something of a sad state with lots of distracting elements behind it and some of the hardware removed (so I could get properly sized pieces at Home Depot) so you’ll be really impressed with the makeover.
I’m also going to work on a few wall art pieces. The turquoise frames I have stacked on the top built-in shelf will have a few prints from FlorandFawn. These prints are the one total splurge for the kid room that I feel no guilt about whatsoever because I’ve been a big Katie Daisy fan for years and have wanted some FlorandFawn prints ever since she opened up this second shop. If I didn’t hang them in a kid room, I would find another spot for them in my house.
I took advantage of a 50% off sale at Michaels to get a few canvases for some large-scale, colorful art. The wall space above the crib is massive, and small art will just look out of place. I’m planning to make one each of the following three tutorials: Like a Musical Ride, A Little Craft in Your Day, and Robin Egg View. Again, it will be a time-consuming project that I know will feel ridiculous and make me wonder what I’m doing at times. But I’m hoping that creating beautiful, colorful art will also be helpful in some way, too.
Finally, I’m thinking about displaying a selection of 4×6 animal photos in a couple collage frames. I have some collage frames on hand and have taken dozens and dozens of animal photos during numerous trips to the Milwaukee County Zoo. It would fit the theme nicely, again, without feeling overly matching.
Over the next month, we’re going to have the third (of three) home visits, and we’ll be working on completing our training hours for the state and putting together a profile book. Getting the fingerprinting redone is the biggest unknown in the time frame. It’s entirely possible we’ll both fail again and have to get name checked instead (and no, I have no idea what that means), and it’s unclear how long that will take. But we’re on track to finish up everything else before the end of the year so hopefully, it won’t hold us up too far into 2017.
If you read all 1,700+ words, thank you. I don’t plan to post about the adoption process too often at this point in our journey. (If we are able to adopt, that may change, of course.) But if you’re ever curious how things are going currently, don’t hesitate to ask.
After attending a recent local adoption support group, I felt compelled to write a post about coping strategies while you’re waiting for kids. I am relating waiting to infertility and adoption but much of this post applies to other aspects of waiting such as meeting the right person and getting married or finding a calling for a career. Infertility and adoption are not a big part of this blog, but they are a big part of my life. There are so many difficult aspects of infertility and adoption. One of them is waiting and the unknown that comes with that waiting. If you knew that a fertility treatment was going to work on X date or that an adoption would fall into place during Y month, it would be so much easier to wait. But we don’t ever know.
Many people tell you that they KNOW things are going to work out or that God has a plan, which isn’t very helpful, especially when they got pregnant multiple times with no issues. Again, no one does know for sure whether or not they’ll have kids, and it’s often hard to see the bigger picture when you’re in the midst of a tough stretch. Most of the time, it would be so great if someone said “wow, that stinks that your last treatment failed and you won’t be able to try another one for three months” or “how frustrating not to have anyone view your adoption book again this month, I’m so sorry” instead of glossing over the crushing pain or offering one of the previously mentioned sentiments.
So while you’re in the midst of dealing with month after month of not very supportive comments, most of the advice you come across for infertility is really generic, such as think positively or take a trip together. These tips aren’t bad, but they aren’t always very relevant or specific enough for day to day coping on a long-term basis, which is often the toughest part of waiting to have kids.
Obviously the journey is different for everyone. I don’t pretend to be an expert on this topic or to have all the answers. The strategies that work for me may not work for someone else and vice versa. But these are the real day to day methods that I use so I don’t lose my mind as I continue to wait.
Stop reading your Facebook news feed
I don’t mean hiding certain friends who are pregnant or who overshare about their kids. I mean get off the news feed completely. Pregnancy, or lack thereof, is what pushed me over the edge with the news feed, but it’s far from the only reason I quit reading my news feed. I would love to get off Facebook altogether, but it’s too darn convenient for keeping in touch with far away family and friends, and it’s the only way I communicate with certain groups of people. However, I’ve become really disciplined about how much time I spend on Facebook and which family members and friends I check in with on a regular basis so I don’t end up hating everyone I know.
For many people, reading the news feed is a nice break during the workday or in between responsibilities at home. I wrote this article not long after I gave up the news feed. I still opt for a number of those alternatives. Currently, I also use editing photos as a break from work tasks on the computer. I have a huge backlog of unedited photos. Keeping Lightroom open and editing a few at a time throughout the day helps me keep ticking through the pile. I get something done and can return to work without being pissed off about a pregnancy or kid related post, stupid meme, or controversial article.
Don’t put off what you’ve always wanted to do
When you’re waiting for something really big in your life to happen, it’s easy to keep waiting to do a lot of other big things, too. Maybe you’ve always said that you’d travel to Europe while you’re still in your 20s and you haven’t yet…and now you’re on the fence about planning the trip because maybe you’ll finally get pregnant next month. On the flip side, maybe you’ve been waiting to go to Disney World until you’ve had kids. If there’s something you want to do, go for it. Don’t use waiting as any excuse any longer. (Spoiler alert: Going to Disney World without kids is really awesome, too.)
Also, some of you already know that two of the best things that have happened as I’ve faced infertility are adopting cats and purchasing my first DSLR camera (both late 2012 and then the second cat adoption in June 2015). These bigger endeavors have a huge impact on my day to day sanity. My cats keep me smiling and laughing every day, which has been huge during this time in my life, and photography has helped empower me in a period when I’ve had virtually no control over the one thing that I want most. I have no idea how many cats we’d have or where my photography skills would be if we had started having kids when we originally planned, but I’m so thankful for both of these aspects of my life.
Don’t feel guilty about the things that you can do
I’m well aware that I have a huge amount of flexibility and freedom that most of my friends don’t right now. My husband and I frequently make last minute plans to go out to dinner and attend varying events around town. We’re often out well into the evening without a set schedule. I don’t have to consult anyone or make any sort of child care arrangements when scheduling a hair cut or doctor’s appointment. I can decide to visit my family in Chicago for the day without worrying about a child’s nap schedule. And I don’t feel guilty about any of it. Yes, I would trade all of that flexibility and freedom in a second to have kids. But I can’t so I don’t deny myself these privileges or feel guilty about it. Easier said than done sometimes, I know. For me, this hasn’t been the biggest struggle, but I know that it is for many people.
Take up a relaxing hobby
The more you think about what you don’t have, the worse it seems. A relaxing hobby can do wonders for taking your mind off of waiting during your down time. Obviously photography has been one of my biggest sources of relaxation over the past few years. Working on a craft project is often very relaxing for me, too. Currently adult coloring is all the rage. As such, there are tons of adult coloring books on the market. If you like the idea of an artsy relaxing hobby but don’t know where to start, coloring is a great option. Alisa Burke has quite a few beautiful FREE coloring pages, which you can download and print as many times as you like.
Figure out what you need to do to get through your lowest days
Even with a lot of awesome things happening in your life and an arsenal of coping techniques, some days are really rough. When you hit a really low point, working on a coloring page or getting outside to take photos of flowers most likely isn’t going to cut it. Be honest with yourself about what you need to do to get through these days. Some people retreat in tough times and are tempted to stay in bed all day. If you fit this personality type, think about scheduling a massage or pedicure or setting aside time for a long bath. Some people would rather jump into action and fight through it with physical activity. If you fit this personality type, tackle a deep cleaning project around the house or take an extra long run.
Be straight with people
People ask a lot of super nosy questions. Unfortunately people will ask nosy questions whether or not you have kids. But I got tired of saying, “no, I don’t have kids” and then getting inappropriate follow up questions such as when we think we’ll try, what fertility treatments we have and haven’t used, etc. So now I say that we tried for a long time (sometimes I say how many years, sometimes I don’t) and are currently pursuing adoption. People don’t expect this answer and are weirdly really supportive of the decision to try to adopt. It puts an end to a lot of the ridiculous questions, and many people actually say something nice. I know that not everyone wants to be so forward about their children status or lack thereof. It’s no one’s business, and you can say or not say whatever makes you most comfortable.
With that being said, there are plenty of times you can’t say what you really want to say. If you’ve been facing infertility or waiting to adopt for a long time, you know what I mean. If you can’t relate to either of these scenarios, ask family or friends who have and they’ll regale you with plenty of mind blowing examples. When you can’t say what you really want to say, the next coping strategy is critical.
Seek out family and friends who support you during the wait
A lot of people mean to be supportive of your wait to have children, but they say the wrong things. All the time. It’s really unfortunate, but true. You have to find even one or two family members or friends who really get it and will not judge you for the things you want to say to total strangers at parties and who will be there during your darkest moments. When you’re at any sort of social function and have to hold your tongue, it’s so great to have someone to text quickly who will just listen without judgement. There are other times that you may just be having an exceptionally tough day or get set off by something little that wouldn’t normally bother you. Having someone to just listen without interjecting unsolicited advice is so important.
Finally, there is a lot of advice about continuing to pray and keep your faith during infertility and adoption. I really admire people who do wholeheartedly because this has been a huge struggle for me. When my husband finished medical school and we moved to a new city for residency (in 2011), I felt really ready to have kids. To this day, I’m not sure how I could have been any more ready than I was at that time in my life, which leaves me wondering daily about my timeline for having kids and a lot of other aspects of my life. Needless to say, this has tested my faith. A lot. As a 30-something without kids, I also struggle a lot with my place in the church right now. Faith is a journey, and I trust that someday I’ll be in a better place with mine again. For those who don’t struggle as much with this aspect of waiting, I would love to hear your insight on the topic.
To those who read all 1,900+ words here, thank you. I always encourage people to share their feelings about the topic publicly and try to limit private conversation because there isn’t enough said about the topic publicly. However, if you don’t feel comfortable reaching out publicly, you’re always welcome to contact me privately, too.
